Kosovo Driver's Handbook

This is purely a joke that was passed around in the beginning of the mission :)

1.) The first step is to get a car. Any car will do. No need to buy one, they are all stolen anyway. If you cannot get a car, attach a roto-tiller to a trailer to make a vehicle. If you cannot do that, a horse and cart will have to do.

2.) Remove any license plates that may be on the vehicle.

3.) This is where the key goes whenever there is a key, and the steering column is not broken.

4.) Before you begin to drive, you need to master blowing the horn.

5.) Adjust the driver’s seat forward until your nose is approximately 2cm from the windshield, that is, if you have a windshield.

6.) Never allow someone shooting the RPG to ride in the front passenger seat while you are driving.

7.) Roll down the window before firing the RPG.

8.) Be sure to swerve to avoid any and all pot holes, even if that means you are swerving into other vehicles or pedestrians.

9.) If you honk your horn and flash your lights, you can drive wherever you want.

10.) Tanks have the right of way.

11.) You must stop whenever you come to railroad tracks, even if you fly through bomb craters.

12.) You must master “over the curb” parking before you can drive in Kosovo.

13.) If you see someone making a right turn, and you see a tiny gap between their car and the curb, you must drive as fast as you can to shoot the gap and turn ahead of them.

14.) Whenever traffic stops, blow the horn.

15.) Sidewalks are meant for driving and parking, they are NOT for pedestrians.

16.) Disregard all pedestrians when driving.

17.) If there is a gap ahead of you, fill it. There should never be more space between you and the car ahead of you large enough for a vehicle to fit into. In the city, the gap should be so small that in stand still traffic pedestrians cannot fit through.

18.) When you overtake another vehicle, just flash your lights and blow the horn. The oncoming traffic will probably get out of the way.

19.) It is inadvisable to drive through mine fields.

20.) If you can cut someone off, “Just Do It.”

21.) Remember that seatbelts, and on some vehicles, seats, are an option.

22.) To become a professional Taxi (Taksi) driver, you must first purchase a Taxi or Taksi sign. No other requirement is involved.

23.) You never have to find a place to park if you are going to stop for only a “moment” (about 30 minutes or so). Just stop the car in the middle of the street and get out if you need to. Everyone else will have to stop for you.

24.) Remember that your new Mercedes is stolen and easily replaceable. There is no need to worry about minor things like dents and scratches.

25.) When you throw grenades from the vehicle, make sure that:
        a. You are moving
        b. The window is down
        c. You pull the pin on the grenade
        d. You throw the grenade instead of the pin

26.) Don’t allow your passengers to shoot out the driver’s window while you are driving.

27.) When driving an obvious slow vehicle, like a “tiller wagon” or a horse-drawn cart, make sure you do not pull over to the side so that traffic must stack up behind you.

28.) When you see someone you know, just stop in the middle of the road and talk to them.

29.) Always carry enough passengers to push start your car.

30.) If there is any space ahead of you, drive faster, wherever you are!

31.) If you wrap your vehicle around a light pole, be sure and leave it there. It is now spare parts for all others in Kosovo.

32.) If your car breaks down, leave it in the middle of the road.

33.) If you get in a minor fender bender, be sure and NOT move the vehicles so you can cause a traffic jam and hopefully more minor accidents.

34.) Whatever happens, it is the other guy’s fault (After all, you blew the horn and flashed your lights).

35.) DO NOT operate a vehicle that does not have a functioning horn. It is the most important piece of equipment on the vehicle (Tanks are the exception).

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